The Importance of Setting Boundaries with a High Conflict Parent
Ending a marriage or relationship with someone who is high conflict by nature can become extremely exhausting, emotionally draining, and mentally challenging – especially if you need to keep in touch for the sake of your children.
Setting boundaries is one of the most important steps you can take when you are forced to interact with someone who is high conflict. Unfortunately, personal boundaries don’t quite work like fences or “no trespassing” signs, but rather like an invisible bubble you build to keep your mental well-being and stability intact. When dealing with a high-conflict parent, you are in charge of maintaining your boundaries. Here are some simple and effective ways to achieve this:
1. Accept that you can’t change the other parent
High-conflict personalities love to overstep boundaries and trigger drama, so you’ll have to be firm in the process of holding yours. Let’s be honest, their high-conflict way is probably one of the main reasons you aren’t together. Most of your headaches in the relationship were likely often caused from your inability to accept how this person thinks, acts, and speaks.
If you couldn’t change them during the relationship, you won’t be able to do that after it ended. Once you accept that the other parent will only improve if they want to, you’ll stop trying to control and understand their motivation and instead focus on your reactions to their behavior.
2. Develop a low-conflict communication style
If someone is constantly getting on your nerves, matching their intensity with yours is tempting. When you allow them to get to you, it’s easy to become defensive, angry, sarcastic, and aggravate the conflict in the process. Setting boundaries is all about deciding to stick to your invisible bubble and counter the conflict with facts and logistics. Stay passive, calm and keep the communication to a bare minimum. The tone of your communications should be friendly, but firm (just like parenting).
Don’t share your feelings, and don’t try to fix things that can’t be fixed. Make the conversation as impersonal as possible and eliminate the word “you.” For example, instead of saying something along the lines of “you are making this difficult,” opt for “this is challenging, and there needs to be a solution.” Accusing them, even if you are 100% right, will only amplify the conflict and make them respond defensively.
3. Commit to the parenting plan and make no compromise
Once you agree on a parenting plan, stick to it and make it as specific as possible. Clearly state the scheduling, expenses, and child-related decisions to avoid any disagreements and miscommunication. Even if the other parent can’t follow the parenting plan and respect its boundaries, continue to hold to it yourself. If their disregard generates issues that impact you and the children, reach out to a law professional for guidance.
Setting boundaries with a high conflict co-parent is challenging, but it’s the only way to keep your peace of mind and advocate for your children’s best. The most efficient parenting in such circumstances is parallel parenting.
If you find yourself in a tricky situation with a high-conflict parent – I completely understand where you’re coming from, I’ve been there! I am happy to put my high conflict solving expertise to work to help you establish boundaries, and develop a parenting plan that works for everyone involved. Contact me whenever you’re ready at info@coachmichelle.club and let’s get you your peace of mind back.
