Parallel parenting: how it works and what are the benefits
In an ideal world, divorces would always end peacefully and amicably, with no hostility between the parents. Unfortunately, resentment, anger, dysfunctional communication styles and often high conflict personalities don’t simply dissipate after the divorce papers are signed and often continue for years to come, especially when children are involved.
Co-parenting is the ideal model when it comes to mitigating the negative effects of divorce on children. However, this method requires a high level of flexibility, extensive communication, and the ability to make amends – conditions that are unlikely to exist after a high-conflict relationship and separation. Luckily, there is an alternative to co-parenting that can achieve the same goal for parents who can’t get along: parallel parenting.
The difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting
Co-parenting involves two parents who are capable of being friendly to each other for the children’s wellbeing. In co-parenting, the parents take a collaborative approach, communicate extensively and often participate in activities together. If the co-parents are comfortable with this parenting model, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t got ill feelings toward each other – but rather that the nature of their past romantic relationship and stability allows them to put issues aside and come together to raise their kids in a healthy environment.
If the relationship between the two parents is very high-conflict and hostile, struggling to make co-parenting work is not the ideal course of action. Asking two people who hold great resentment against each other to put their differences aside often ends up with more conflict, particularly when one or both of the parents suffers from a high conflict personality. Children are always put in the middle, and the most damaging effect is being directly exposed to the conflict.
Parallel parenting seeks to solve precisely this issue by keeping everything separate. The two parents don’t attend activities together and keep the communication to a bare minimum to provide the children with a relationship with both parents devoid of constant fighting. Parallel parenting implies completely disengaging from each other to focus entirely on the children’s wellbeing.
At the same time, parallel parenting requires an airtight parenting plan. Ideally, this would be the only reason for interaction and cooperation between the two. This could be achieved using the following methods:
· Utilizing a third-party facilitator. When the interaction must be kept to a bare minimum, working with a high-conflict coach, therapist, or childcare specialist to mediate the parenting planning side of things is a great solution.
· Running households separately. Parallel parenting implies that both parents are in charge of decision-making while the children are in their care. The other parent shouldn’t become involved in what happens in the other household and accept that it is out of their control. When both parents stop worrying and wondering about what is going on in the other home, the conflict that ultimately affects the children decreases.
· Remember to always focus on the children. Regardless of what happened between the parents, the children will still need involvement from both. Acting in their best interest should always be a priority. You chose parallel parenting to shield them from unnecessary and traumatic hostility – so it would be best to keep this in mind whenever you feel tempted to cross the boundaries of parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting is an alternative co-parenting model for parents who can’t overcome negative emotions after a high-conflict relationship and divorce. Parallel parenting aims to disengage communication between the parents and enable children to have a relationship with both without being collateral victims. It takes a lot of work to succeed, and it is perfectly reasonable to ask for help if you can’t make it work on your own.
If you need support, I am happy to put my high-conflict solving expertise in your service and help you develop a parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s stability and wellbeing. Contact me at info@CoachMichelle.club and let’s chat about your needs. *I work 1-on-1 with clients to teach them how to disengage; I review and ghostwrite responses to your co-parent; I prepare clients for court and mediation; and I draft fool proof parenting plans.
