5 Tips to Reduce the Overwhelm Created in a High Conflict Co-Parenting Relationship:
Even the most basic co-parenting decisions tend to create conflict in a high conflict co-parenting relationship. Try implementing these tips to reduce the amount of overall conflict. It’s important to note, however, that if you’re already co-parenting with a high conflict personality, whether they have narcissistic personality disorder, borderline, or something else, they may resist your implementation of these tips, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them.
1) Consistent Exchanges at a Neutral Location – if your children are in school, or day care, designate these locations for the exchanges, and when that’s not possible, select a neutral location and stick with it for the rest of the exchanges. Exchanges can take place anywhere, but if safety is a concern, you can do them at a local police station, or hire a professional to attend.
2) Set Boundaries Around Your Communication – when you’re communicating with your co-parent, I recommend only doing so through one of the communication apps like Our Family Wizard (OFW). You shouldn’t be texting with your co-parent, nor should you be emailing. It’s not only invasive, they can interrupt you at any moment, but you can more easily create a record for court through one of the apps.
3) Set Boundaries Around Their Communication with the Children During Your Time – if your co-parent is the type who intentionally calls your children every night right after you sit down for dinner, and then blows up your phone when you don’t answer, it’s time to set boundaries. Let your co-parent know that there is a specific time each day when they can call, to ensure that the children’s routines will not be disrupted. It’s important to hold this boundary; they’ll eventually comply. And if they don’t, well then, they can catch up with the children during their time together.
4) Create a Holiday Schedule with Fewer Exchanges – splitting custody of our children is especially difficult during the holidays. It can feel difficult to spend holidays away from them, and the overall conflict over the schedule tends to increase. Parents often prioritize spending the most time with their children over what might be best for them. Courts often order the children to be with one parent half the day on Christmas Eve, and then the rest of the day with the other parent that evening. Then repeat on Christmas Day. Do you really want to spend those two days interacting with your co-parent? No. And it’s not what is best for your children. Come up with a plan that reduces the overall number of exchanges, even if it means you have to celebrate a holiday the day before.
5) Practice Good Self Care – co-parenting with a high conflict personality, narcissist, etc. is EXHAUSTING. It will take a toll on your life, but if you take care of yourself, the effects will lesson. Make a list of things that really fill you up – from small things that you can do in a matter of minutes (i.e., gratitude journaling, meditating, reading, etc.), to bigger things that bring you joy (i.e., spending time with friends, paddle boarding, surfing, etc.). Try to do some of these activities every single day. The more you have your own back, the better your days will be!
If you need support, I am happy to put my high-conflict solving expertise in your service and help you develop a parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s stability and wellbeing. Contact me at info@CoachMichelle.club and let’s chat about your needs. *I work 1-on-1 with clients to teach them how to disengage; I review and ghostwrite responses to your co-parent; I prepare clients for court and mediation; and I draft fool proof parenting plans. Check out my post on Parallel Parenting to learn more!
