Tips for Dealing with A High Conflict Coparent.

Ending a relationship with a co-parent who has a high conflict personality can be challenging for multiple reasons. One of the most significant difficulties will be learning how to co-parent with them in a way that allows you to disengage from their attempt to draw you into conflict, yet does not make the children feel that they are placed in the middle.

Raising children with a high conflict co-parent is quite possibly one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced, but that’s all the more reason to learn how to navigate it early on. Co-parents who have a high conflict personality often suffer from disorders such as narcissism, borderline personality disorder, sociopath, histrionic, etc., which are typically linked to an attachment deficiency, but it can also be caused by trauma without an underlying disorder.

While it never feels good to be verbally attacked, it can feel even more personal when your co-parent is attacking you as a parent, creating false narratives around your co-parenting relationship, and when they are doing so in a way that is harmful to your children.  The attacks against you are often statements made about you, but are actually a projection of their own actions and behaviors.  It’s their way of justifying their own bad behavior.  Just like when your child calls you “stupid”, you don’t take it personally.  If you view your co-parent as the child they are behaving like, it’s easier to not take their words personally. Your high conflict co-parent is acting like a three year old having a tantrum.

The only difference is that their attacks are slightly more sophisticated. DISENGAGE. Do not react to their bullshit. Just walk away, either literally if you’re communicating in person (which shouldn’t be happening), or walk away from your computer/email/phone, etc.

Hold up for 24 hours to allow your nervous system time to settle before you even think about whether you need to respond to anything. Or reach out to me for help with reviewing and responding to their emails!  I work with clients to help them with their communications with their co-parent.  

I’ve noticed some patterns in high-conflict co-parenting. Here are 3 common tips for dealing with a High Conflict Coparent. 

1.    Stop communicating if it becomes confrontational or personal. 

2.   Respond, Don’t react, and don’t take anything they say personally. 

3.   Communicate only factual information. Avoid the temptation to defend yourself or to make accusations against them.

If you need support, I am happy to put my high-conflict solving expertise into service and help you develop a parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s stability and wellbeing. Contact me at info@CoachMichelle.club and let’s chat about your needs. *I work 1-on-1 with clients to teach them how to disengage; I review and ghostwrite responses to your co-parent; I prepare clients for court and mediation; and I draft fool proof parenting plans.  Check out my post on Parallel Parenting to learn more! 

As a high-conflict certified coach, attorney for 20 years, and a high-conflict co-parenting survivor, I completely understand your struggle. High-conflict personalities may seem unpredictable, but they have enduring dysfunctional behavior patterns, and many of their actions fit within these patterns. My goal here is to prepare you for court and mediation by role-playing different scenarios to ensure you’ll stay calm in front of false allegations and outrageous lies. Let’s help you get the truth across.

Book your court and mediation preparation session here, or email me directly at info@coachmichelle.club.