Five Tools to Disarm a Narcissist
Attention seeking behavior in a narcissist, whether it’s positive or negative attention, is what is referred to as filling their “narcissistic supply”. Despite their façade of confidence, a narcissist lacks positive self-esteem and self-image, thus requiring them to seek validation from others. They crave attention and adoration. Deep down, they actually feel undesirable, but work diligently to hold up their mask of confidence. Narcissists use other people around them to provide them with their necessary “supply”.
The following are five steps to disarm a narcissist in order to get them to move on:
1. No Unnecessary Contact:
Since a narcissist needs something from you, whether it’s negative attention by way of conflict, or positive reinforcements, your connection to them is their food. This is why conflict is their lifeline - their connection to their “supply”. When you respond to their attempt to remain enmeshed with them, you’ve just fed them a little, bringing them back for more. If you don’t have to communicate with them, then no contact is the best way to help them move along. They’ll look elsewhere for their supply.
This is often not possible, especially if the narcissist is your co-parent, but here, you want to only respond to messages that are necessary. Make sure your responses follow the BIFF® response.
2. Short responses:
It’s natural to want to defend yourself when you’re being verbally attacked by a narcissist, but DON’T DO IT! If you feel there are things that you may need to respond to in court, prepare a separate dated journal entry detailing what actually occurred. When you respond to the things they’ve used to attack you with, you have FILLED UP THEIR SUPPLY. Make them go somewhere else to get that meeting their need for supply. When you respond to their allegations, you are literally providing them with bullets to shoot back at you. If you have to respond to the message (i.e. the narcissist is your co-parent), make sure that your message is brief - two to the three sentences total, and keep it factual. Leave out your opinions about the facts as it will again bring them back to get more supply.
3. Minimal or no in-person interactions:
Again, if the narcissist is your co-parent, you might have to have in-person interactions with them, but keep them to a minimum. If your kids are present, your interaction should be pleasant-enough so that the kids don’t feel anxious around the two of you, but try not to directly engage with your co-parent about anything other than casual pleasantries, the weather, how adorable your child’s performance in the play was, etc.
4. Set clear boundaries.
Once you learn how to set and hold reasonable boundaries, the narcissist will sometimes start to follow them; not because they want to respect your rules/boundaries, but because they are no longer getting their supply from you. They naturally look elsewhere for their “food”. However, you’re not setting the boundary in an attempt to “change” their behavior you’re setting them so that they learn how you will respond when they don’t respect your boundary. Don’t expect them to change their behavior, even though it often happens naturally. Setting boundaries will often INCREASE the conflict in the beginning because it’s very likely that you haven’t set or held boundaries with them in the past. It’s just like when you set a new boundary with your children - they push back, but you don’t remove the boundary. See my related blog post on boundaries here.
5. Focus on yourself
In order to “starve” the narcissist, you have to refocus your attention that was given to them, and instead, turn it back on yourself. Start journaling about the life you want to live, not the one that you have felt “stuck” in. Get really specific about what that life looks like - write about it in detail and take the necessary steps to make it happen. Start up a side hustle, dive into a new hobby, explore new things that bring you joy!
If you need support, I am happy to put my high-conflict solving expertise into service and help you develop a parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s stability and wellbeing. Contact me at info@CoachMichelle.club and let’s chat about your needs. *I work 1-on-1 with clients to teach them how to disengage; I review and ghostwrite responses to your co-parent; I prepare clients for court and mediation; and I draft fool proof parenting plans. Check out my post on Parallel Parenting to learn more!
As a high-conflict certified coach, attorney for 20 years, and a high-conflict co-parenting survivor, I completely understand your struggle. High-conflict personalities may seem unpredictable, but they have enduring dysfunctional behavior patterns, and many of their actions fit within these patterns. My goal here is to prepare you for court and mediation by role-playing different scenarios to ensure you’ll stay calm in front of false allegations and outrageous lies. Let’s help you get the truth across.
Book your court and mediation preparation session here, or email me directly at info@coachmichelle.club.
