Over the River and Through the Woods: Navigating Holiday Logistics with a High Conflict Co-parent.

The holiday season often seems to be brimming with happiness and joy, festivities like latkes and lights or trimming the Christmas tree, leaving no room for anything else, doesn't it? It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking this way, especially when we glance at social media and see those seemingly flawless family images, with everyone in matching holiday pajamas, cheerfully singing Christmas carols while adorning their beautifully decorated trees.

In reality, holidays have the capacity to be both joyous and stress-inducing, even within families that are considered "intact." We often burden ourselves and our loved ones with unrealistic expectations, compounded by the tradition of inviting extended family over during the holidays, which can intensify the mixture of joy and stress.

Now, add another layer to the equation: a high-conflict co-parenting relationship, and it's almost guaranteed to dampen the holiday spirit, taking the jingle out of your bell.

Here are some holiday tips for navigating your high conflict co-parenting relationship this holiday season:

1. Travel:

If your holiday plans involve traveling, it's crucial to adhere to the stipulations outlined in your parenting plan. Given the heightened emotions that often accompany this time of year, it's almost certain that your co-parent will be vigilant for any deviations.

1. Communication: Ensure clear communication of your travel itinerary and arrangements well in advance, including flight details, accommodation address, and an emergency contact number, adding it to your shared calendar.

2. Phone Calls: Consider being more lenient with holiday phone calls if your children are spending time with their other parent this year. Let them fully immerse themselves in the holiday enjoyment without frequent interruptions.

3. Travel Documents: Obtain any essential travel documents from your co-parent well in advance, such as your child's passport or notarized authorization.

4. Weather Preparedness: If you live in an area prone to inclement weather, take practical measures to safeguard your transitions from climate-related disruptions.

2. Transitions:

It's not surprising that transitions, which are always challenging, can become even more complicated during the holiday season. While there may be much to anticipate, there can also be a sense of leaving certain things behind. You can take some straightforward steps to ensure that these tricky transitions become smoother for everyone in your household:

1. Adherence to Routine: Stick to your established transition routine as closely as possible, providing stability and comfort for your child.

2. Continuity through Music: Ask your child if they have a favorite holiday album or station they enjoyed at their other parent's home. This can offer a sense of continuity and show your support for their love of their other parent. 

3. Weather-Ready: Be prepared for inclement weather if you're responsible for transportation, ensuring your vehicle is weather-worthy.

3. Traditions:

While your child may be excited about the gifts under the tree, you understand that it's the experiences, not the presents, that will create lasting holiday memories. You have the opportunity to shape the type of experience they'll have in your home, even if your co-parent tries to turn the holidays into a competition by trying to outdo you, make it bigger, prevent you from enjoying it, or discourage your child from doing so. Your focus remains on creating meaningful moments and cherished memories.

1. Flexibility: Be flexible with your traditions and follow your child's lead. Hold traditions loosely and be open to change when necessary.  If you always watch The Grinch after you decorate the tree, but your child tells you they just watched it at the other parent’s home, shrug it off and choose a different movie. 

2. Realistic Expectations:  Plan in advance which holiday concerts, recitals, and classroom parties each parent will attend. If you have a policy where only one parent and set of grandparents can be present at each event, ensure that it's well-established who will attend what. In situations where both parents will be in the same place, make a personal commitment to be the bigger person and avoid any uncomfortable scenes—for the sake of your child. If you believe this is impossible, it might be worth considering not attending to maintain a peaceful environment.

3. Anticipate Disappointment:  It's important to anticipate that your expectations may not always be met. If you provide a specific dress for your children for a special occasion, be prepared for the possibility that they may wear something else or that the dress won't be returned to you. If you request a video of a preschool holiday program, consider the chance that the camera might not work. Acknowledge that there are aspects beyond your control and redirect your attention toward the things you can influence.

4. Together Matters Most: Prioritize togetherness over specific traditions and ask your child what traditions are important to them.

4. Set clear boundaries. 

Above all, choose not to let anyone steal your joy and make your time with your children count, regardless of the specific holiday date you celebrate. These moments will create your children's most cherished memories.

If you're interested in discovering how to build a strong and unbreakable relationship with your children, even in the face of the other parent's challenges, don't hesitate to get in touch with our coaches. We offer a FREE 15-minute discovery call to explore how we can help guide you on the path to success! Check out what past and current clients are saying about our coaches.

If you need support, I am happy to put my high-conflict solving expertise into service and help you develop a parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s stability and wellbeing. Contact me at info@CoachMichelle.club and let’s chat about your needs. *I work 1-on-1 with clients to teach them how to disengage; I review and ghostwrite responses to your co-parent; I prepare clients for court and mediation; and I draft fool proof parenting plans.  Check out my post on Parallel Parenting to learn more! 

As a high-conflict certified coach, attorney for 20 years, and a high-conflict co-parenting survivor, I completely understand your struggle. High-conflict personalities may seem unpredictable, but they have enduring dysfunctional behavior patterns, and many of their actions fit within these patterns. My goal here is to prepare you for court and mediation by role-playing different scenarios to ensure you’ll stay calm in front of false allegations and outrageous lies. Let’s help you get the truth across.

Book your court and mediation preparation session here, or email me directly at info@coachmichelle.club.