In an ideal world, divorces would always end peacefully and amicably, with no hostility between the parents. Unfortunately, resentment, anger, dysfunctional communication styles, and often high-conflict personalities, don’t simply dissipate after the divorce papers are signed and often continue for years to come, especially when children are involved.
Co-parenting is the ideal model when it comes to mitigating the negative effects of divorce on children. However, this method requires a high level of flexibility, extensive communication, and the ability to make amends – conditions that are unlikely to exist after a high-conflict relationship and separation. Luckily, there is an alternative that can achieve the same goal for parents who can’t get along: parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting is a co-parenting approach where each parent handles their own parenting time independently, with minimal direct contact between households. It gives children a relationship with both parents without putting them in the middle of ongoing conflict.
The difference between traditional co-parenting and this low-contact model
Co-parenting involves two parents who are capable of being friendly to each other for the children’s wellbeing. In co-parenting, the parents take a collaborative approach, communicate extensively and often participate in activities together. If the co-parents are comfortable with this parenting model, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t got ill feelings toward each other – but rather that the nature of their past romantic relationship and stability allows them to put issues aside and come together to raise their kids in a healthy environment.
If the relationship between the two parents is very high-conflict and hostile, struggling to make co-parenting work is not the ideal course of action. Asking two people who hold great resentment against each other to put their differences aside often ends up with more conflict, particularly when one or both of the parents suffers from a high-conflict personality. Children are always put in the middle, and the most damaging effect is being directly exposed to the conflict.
This model solves precisely that problem by keeping everything separate. The two parentsdon’t attend activities together and keep communication to a bare minimum, so the children can have a relationship with both parents without constant fighting. The aim is to disengage from each other in order to focus entirely on the children’s wellbeing.
At the same time, this approach requires an airtight parenting plan. Ideally, the plan is the only reason the two parents ever need to interact. That can be achieved using the following methods:
· Utilizing a third-party facilitator. When interaction must be kept to a bare minimum, working with a high-conflict coach, therapist, or neutral parent coordinator to mediate the planning side of things is a great solution.
· Running households separately. This means each parent is in charge of decision-making while the children are in their care. The other parent shouldn’t become involved in what happens in the other household and accept that it is out of their control. When both parents stop worrying and wondering about what is going on in the other home, the conflict that ultimately affects the children decreases.
· Remember to always focus on the children. Regardless of what happened between the parents, the children will still need involvement from both. Acting in their best interest should always be a priority. You chose this path to shield them from unnecessary and traumatic hostility, so keep that in mind whenever you feel tempted to cross the boundaries you have set.
This is an alternative co-parenting model for parents who can’t overcome negative emotions after a high-conflict relationship and divorce. The goal is to disengage communication between the parents so children can have a relationship with both without becoming collateral victims. It takes a lot of work to succeed, and it is perfectly reasonable to ask for help if you can’t make it work on your own.
It takes work, and asking for help is reasonable. Through 1-to-1 coaching, we teach parents how to disengage and build a plan that protects their children’s stability and wellbeing. Our communication and ghostwriting service reviews and drafts calm responses to your co-parent, and our court and mediation preparation gets you ready when disputes escalate legally.
FAQ: Parallel Parenting
What is parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is a co-parenting approach where each parent handles their own parenting time independently, with minimal direct contact between households. It lets children keep a relationship with both parents while staying out of the conflict.
How is parallel parenting different from co-parenting?
Traditional co-parenting relies on frequent, friendly communication and shared activities. The parallel model keeps contact to a minimum and runs the two households separately, which works far better when resentment or a high-conflict personality makes cooperation unsafe or unproductive.
When should parents choose parallel parenting?
It is the right call when ongoing hostility means more contact reliably means more conflict, and when children are being exposed to that conflict. Disengaging from the other parent, while staying fully engaged with the children, protects the kids.
Does parallel parenting require a detailed parenting plan?
Yes. A clear, airtight parenting plan is what makes the low-contact model work, because it removes most reasons to negotiate. A coach, therapist, or other neutral third party can help draft and facilitate the plan so the parents rarely need to interact directly.
If you would like help building a plan that protects your children, book a free consult.
Michelle Mitchell, J.D.
California attorney with 20+ years of litigation experience, New Ways for Families® Certified Instructor, Certified HCDP™ Coach (trained by Brook Olsen), AFCC-trained Parent Coordinator, and Martha Beck Certified Wayfinder Coach. Founder of High Conflict Resolutions, LLC.