Even the most basic decisions tend to create friction in a high-conflict co-parenting relationship. The five habits below are designed to lower the overall tension and protect your peace. At High Conflict Resolutions, we help parents step out of the daily friction and back into a calmer routine for their children. It’s important to note, however, that if you’re already co-parenting with a high-conflict personality, whether they have narcissistic personality disorder, borderline traits, or something else, they may resist these changes, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them.
1) Consistent Exchanges at a Neutral Location – if your children are in school, or day care, designate these locations for the exchanges, and when that’s not possible, select a neutral location and stick with it for the rest of the exchanges. Exchanges can take place anywhere, but if safety is a concern, you can do them at a local police station, or hire a professional to attend.
2) Set Boundaries Around Your Communication – when you’re communicating with your co-parent, I recommend only doing so through one of the communication apps like Our Family Wizard (OFW). You shouldn’t be texting with your co-parent, nor should you be emailing. It’s not only invasive, they can interrupt you at any moment, but you can more easily create a record for court through one of the apps. If writing calm, neutral messages still feels impossible, our co-parenting communication and ghostwriting service can take that weight off you.
3) Set Boundaries Around Their Communication with the Children During Your Time – if your co-parent is the type who intentionally calls your children every night right after you sit down for dinner, and then blows up your phone when you don’t answer, it’s time to set boundaries. Let your co-parent know that there is a specific time each day when they can call, to ensure that the children’s routines will not be disrupted. It’s important to hold this boundary; they’ll eventually comply. And if they don’t, well then, they can catch up with the children during their time together.
4) Create a Holiday Schedule with Fewer Exchanges – splitting custody of our children is especially difficult during the holidays. It can feel difficult to spend holidays away from them, and the overall conflict over the schedule tends to increase. Parents often prioritize spending the most time with their children over what might be best for them. Courts often order the children to be with one parent half the day on Christmas Eve, and then the rest of the day with the other parent that evening. Then repeat on Christmas Day. Do you really want to spend those two days interacting with your co-parent? No. And it’s not what is best for your children. Come up with a plan that reduces the overall number of exchanges, even if it means you have to celebrate a holiday the day before.
5) Practice Good Self Care – co-parenting with a high-conflict personality is EXHAUSTING. It will take a toll on your life, but if you take care of yourself, the effects will lesson. Make a list of things that really fill you up – from small things that you can do in a matter of minutes (i.e., gratitude journaling, meditating, reading, etc.), to bigger things that bring you joy (i.e., spending time with friends, paddle boarding, surfing, etc.). Try to do some of these activities every single day. The more you have your own back, the better your days will be!
If you need support, I am happy to put my high-conflict solving expertise in your service and help you develop a parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s stability and wellbeing. Reach out and let’s chat about your needs. *I work 1-on-1 with clients to teach them how to disengage; I review and ghostwrite responses to your co-parent; I prepare clients for court and mediation; and I draft fool proof parenting plans. Through 1-to-1 coaching we work on disengaging from the conflict, our ghostwriting service handles the messages that trigger you, and our court and mediation preparation keeps you grounded if disputes escalate.
Where Parallel Parenting Fits In
Many of these habits come together in a parallel parenting structure. Parallel parenting is a co-parenting approach where each parent handles their own parenting time independently, with minimal direct contact between households. When contact is the thing that fuels the conflict, lowering it is often what finally lowers the overwhelm. You can read more in our guide on how parallel parenting works and its benefits.
FAQ: Reducing Overwhelm in High-Conflict Co-Parenting
How do I reduce overwhelm when co-parenting with a high-conflict ex?
Lower the number of touchpoints that create friction. Use consistent, neutral exchange locations, move all communication into one parenting app, set boundaries around contact, simplify the holiday schedule, and protect daily self-care. You cannot control the other parent, but reducing unnecessary contact reduces the overwhelm.
Should I text or email a high-conflict co-parent?
It is usually better to keep communication inside a dedicated parenting app such as Our Family Wizard. Texts and personal email let the other parent interrupt you at any moment and are harder to organize. A single app channel creates a clean, time-stamped record if it is ever needed for court.
Will setting boundaries make the conflict worse?
A high-conflict co-parent may push back when you set a boundary, but that resistance is not a reason to abandon it. Hold the boundary calmly and consistently. Over time, most people adjust to a predictable structure, and the friction tends to settle.
Why does a simpler holiday schedule reduce conflict?
Every exchange is an opportunity for tension. A plan with fewer handoffs, even if it means celebrating a holiday a day early, means less direct interaction with your co-parent and a calmer day for your children.
If you want help building a plan that protects your peace, book a free consult.
Michelle Mitchell, J.D.
California attorney with 20+ years of litigation experience, New Ways for Families® Certified Instructor, Certified HCDP™ Coach (trained by Brook Olsen), AFCC-trained Parent Coordinator, and Martha Beck Certified Wayfinder Coach. Founder of High Conflict Resolutions, LLC.