Stacy came to me on a Saturday, two days before her FCS mediation. She was flooded. Her ex-husband Greg had filed for a 2-2-5 custody schedule that would double the number of transitions their daughter Ellie was making between homes. That was not what had Stacy flooded.
What had Stacy flooded was Ellie.
When Stacy described her worry to me, she summed it up in a single line:
“I just don’t want to mess this up for her.” Stacy · 1:1 coaching client
The situation
Greg had been telling Ellie for weeks that the schedule was changing. The court had not decided anything. Mediation had not happened. Greg was speaking to a ten-year-old as if the decision had already been made, on his terms.
Ellie had retreated. She had gone quieter, more anxious, less like herself.
Transitions were already hard for Ellie. She was a kid who needed time to settle into each home, who took longer than other children her age to find her footing after a switch. Greg’s proposed schedule would have doubled the number of those transitions while only marginally changing his actual parenting time. He was framing it as more time with Dad. What he was really pushing for was a true 50/50 on principle, not what Ellie needed. For Ellie, it would have meant more disruption, not less. More abrupt shifts. More days of feeling unsettled before she could feel like herself again.
What Greg had not been telling Ellie, but what Ellie already knew, was that Greg’s pattern during his time with her was to spend much of it complaining about Stacy. Ellie had been hearing her dad criticize her mom for years, in front of Ellie and in front of her older brothers. Ellie knew what more time with Dad would mean. It would mean more of that. She was not afraid of fewer days at home with Stacy. She was afraid of more days inside a home where the air was full of resentment toward her other parent.
Stacy was watching her daughter shrink in real time. She was also two days from a mediation where she had to advocate for the schedule that was protecting Ellie, in a room where Ellie would not be present and could not speak for herself.
The schedule Greg was proposing would have made both pieces of Ellie’s life worse. More transitions for a child who already struggled with transitions. More exposure to a dynamic that was already hurting her. Stacy needed to walk into mediation able to make that case clearly, without being pulled into the fight Greg would surely bring.
What we worked on with Stacy
The work was two things.
The first was Stacy’s nervous system. She could not advocate for Ellie from a flooded body. Mediators read dysregulation as something other than what it is. A flooded parent comes across as the unstable one, even when the dysregulation is an entirely appropriate response to what is happening to their child. We worked on what Stacy needed to do, before and during the mediation, to walk in and stay in a place where she could think clearly and speak from her values rather than from her panic. Regulating the nervous system before responding is the first move in the 4-Move Change Model™ I use with clients, and it is the only one of the four worth making in isolation, because nothing else works without it.
The second was framing. There is a meaningful difference between a parent who walks into mediation centered on what they want and a parent who walks in centered on what their child needs. Both parents may be advocating for the same outcome. The mediator hears them very differently. We worked on shifting how Stacy thought about the meeting itself, so that everything she said came from one consistent place: Ellie’s stability, Ellie’s experience, Ellie’s wellbeing.
Why this approach works
FCS mediation is not a debate. The mediator is not trying to figure out who is right. The mediator is trying to figure out which parent is here to focus on the child. In a high-conflict case, the parent who arrives flooded, defensive, and ready to attack the other parent reads as part of the conflict, even when they are accurate about what they are saying. The parent who arrives regulated and returns the conversation to the child every time reads as the solution.
The flooded state is the part most parents underestimate. The body interprets what is being done to your child as threat, because it is threat. The flood is real, and it is reasonable. It is also what gets in the way of being heard. The prep work is what allows a parent to walk in steady enough to make the case their child cannot make for themselves.
What happened at the mediation
Stacy emailed me Monday afternoon. She wrote that she had remembered what we worked on, and that she had felt calm in the room. She had kept the focus on Ellie. Greg had made statements that were not true, and Stacy had not engaged with any of them. She let the mediator see what she had been describing without having to say it.
The mediator pulled Stacy aside before bringing them together and asked if she was comfortable being in the same room with Greg. Stacy said yes. The mediator asked if she could interview Ellie. Stacy said yes to that too.
The mediation is not over. The mediator’s recommendation has not been issued. What changed at the table was not the verdict. It was Stacy. She walked in regulated. She remembered the work. Greg showed himself. The mediator’s response throughout the morning was the early signal that the prep had paid off.
If this sounds like your mediation prep
If you are facing your own FCS mediation against a high-conflict co-parent, you do not have to do it alone. The work that prepared Stacy was specific to her, to Ellie, and to what Greg was bringing into the room. The work that would prepare you would be specific to your situation, your child, and your co-parent. There is no script. There is a way of thinking, feeling, and speaking under pressure that we can build together before you sit down.
Stacy did this work in private one-on-one sessions on short notice, and continued the prep by email through the weekend. We offer court and mediation preparation as a focused engagement for exactly this moment.
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Frequently asked about FCS mediation prep
How do I prepare for FCS mediation when my ex is requesting a custody schedule change?
What should I do when my high-conflict co-parent makes false statements in FCS mediation?
How do I argue for the current custody schedule without sounding like I am gatekeeping?
What if the mediator asks whether my high-conflict co-parent is a good parent?
Coach Michelle does not practice family law and is not a licensed mental health provider. Coaching services are psychoeducational in nature and are not therapy or legal advice. “Stacy,” “Greg,” and “Ellie” are pseudonyms and identifying details have been changed to protect the client’s privacy. The case described is still active; the mediator’s recommendation has not been issued at the time of publication. Individual results vary.
Michelle Mitchell, J.D.
California attorney with 20+ years of litigation experience, New Ways for Families® Certified Instructor, Certified HCDP™ Coach (trained by Brook Olsen), AFCC-trained Parent Coordinator, and Martha Beck Certified Wayfinder Coach. Founder of High Conflict Resolutions, LLC.